It’s a little random, but I have a nickname, Pau. I swear I’m not trying to act cute by giving myself a cute nickname (oh yes let me drown in my own fantasy thinking my name is cute). A Pau also means a Chinese bun, my favorite-but-not-often-eaten food. But most importantly, they’re cute. Seriously.
Tomorrow will mark the official completion of my foundation (or pre-university) program. Convocation ceremony and graduation night. So I suppose, tonight is the best time to blog about a summary of my new (but not so new anymore) life. Conversational tone tonight, hope you realize that I really feel like talking more than writing. And I’m going to be as detailed as I can be, but pardon the grammar as I’m quite tired now.
I haven’t realized that it really has been a year since my life took an entirely new direction. Life has been unpredictable, busy and competitive for the past eleven months, and I’ve done quite a lot of different things as compared to the past. Community service, academics, new friends, etc. Every now and then, I still look back and ask myself if taking on this challenge was the right decision, or would staying in Form 6 grant me greater satisfaction. But every single time that happened, I’d tell myself that everyone had moved on. There simply wasn’t any place for me to go back to, and I didn’t belong to the past anymore. In fact, at any point of time, the past doesn’t exist as an authentic existence, but merely in the shadow of memories. Certain things can’t be questioned no matter the how intense my curiosity is, such as time and death. In that case, I just have to stick to the path that I’ve chosen.
Honestly, I have no idea how to compress one year’s worth of experience into one post. So perhaps I’ll do this the traditional way by categorizing (in reverse order of significance).
1. Academics
It’s no doubt that our syllabus comprises much more than a typical foundation program. But the fact that it’s broken down into three trimesters makes it less intolerable. I can swear I’d never ever been so disciplined and hardcore before when it comes to studies. Peer pressure much. I’m not exactly bright, much less brilliant. I never expected to be a top student or to beat everyone else in terms of grades, so with my level of hard work, I’m genuinely grateful that at least I could scrape through. Well getting good grades is out of the question, but at least I managed to score enough to maintain my scholarship.
The standard here truly makes me thankful because of all the information-packed subjects. I feel as though I’ve learned a lot and I haven’t been wasting my time on useless subjects, though it’s plausible that I’ll forget almost everything as time goes by.
I really loathe my Physics lecturer though. It seems as if he made the subject extremely repulsive to me. Physics used to be my favorite subject, but his lectures were definitely the least interesting. Some found his sense of humor interesting, I found it vexing. I can’t put the blame entirely on him though. Most of the time, it’s because I was too preoccupied with other things on my mind that I’d lost all interest in figuring out how things work on a deeper level. I like feeling baffled after discovering astonishing physics facts. I’d say physics is the discovery of corporeal truth, while philosophy is the analysis of immaterial truth. Both seem to bring me closer to truth, whatever it means to you. Sadly, I’ve been too caught up in being on par with my peers that I’ve lost the pristine and untainted love for knowledge.
English is also something I’ve been wanting to work on. Throughout the year, I’ve spoken much more Mandarin than English. My conversational English is definitely sub-par, and my written English seems to have dropped from mediocre to rotten. So yes, I must be more mindful and I still have some time to improve on it.
2. Community Service
The first thing that comes to my mind is of course, my dean. He’s the epitome of misery in my college life. Truthfully, the effort I’d put into community service far exceeds anything else here. I was randomly appointed as the project leader, but as far as leading is concerned, I think I’ve done nothing significant. Overall, this project has improved me not in terms of leadership, but rather the sense of responsibility. I’ve learned to shoulder a greater burden, sometimes single-handedly, sometimes with a huge team of capable friends and tremendous support.
I’ve also more or less improved my observation and analysis skill. It’s much easier for the current me to see through people’s abilities and characters, as compared to the older, blurrer version of me. I’ve learned to trust the right guys, and that’s the most important and priceless thing. And other meaningful things are the people I’ve known through the project, such as social volunteers, the communication skills and confidence I need to liaise with company leaders, as well as the necessity to really control my temper. Since it seems like I’m talking about this perpetually, I shan’t elaborate further.
3. Family/Home
I admit, sometimes I used to whine about how I wished to be born in a more fortunate family. But after coming here, I’ve realized that nothing beats those years with your family. Whether you like it or not, family bond is the strongest and is undying and unconditional. Living under the same roof for such a long period isn’t for naught.
It’s also my root which makes me realize that no matter how much I change in future or where I go, there’s something in my core that will remain stagnant. And that comes from my childhood and hometown, of which a large percentage is constituted by my family.
My brother, is more like a third parent to me. He used to give me wise words all the time, used to teach me homework, used to worry about my safety and stuff. Initially parting with him seemed like the loss of my most solid pillar. But I’ve grown to accept it as a part of life, which I love so dearly. There’s something about life that I really adore, and perhaps it’s how I tell myself that challenges are an inevitable part of life which is made up of fleeting and evanescent moments, that I manage to accept everything that I’ve accepted so far.
Somehow, I have this innate tendency to expect very little from people, including my family. I won’t go into details regarding the history and all. But for every tiny little scintilla of concern or love they show me, I feel immensely grateful. And this thinking makes me happy, more so than the reverse at least.
4. Friends/People
I guess when you come to a new, fresh place, you meet tons of people with different personalities and behaviors. I’ll start with the shitty ones. You meet self-obsessed, narcissistic, and vain attention-seekers who will piss you off to no end, you meet people whose dicks you must chop (quoting from Sabrina), you meet people with too much time to spare and too little to do, hence spending their time on stalking and gossiping, and of course, you meet people whose only concern revolves about themselves. Putting aside egoism, sexism, and perhaps racism, there’re still lots of people out there whose hearts are quite untainted.
In fact, almost everyone has some aspect that is quite praiseworthy. It’s up to which side your bias lies, that determines how you perceive that person. One thing though, is that one should always give some room to the fact that self-centeredness is a fraction of human nature. It doesn’t necessarily mean that he/she is selfish. Quite understandable isn’t it, that one behaves that way, since our faces still seem quite fresh to one another.
Anyway, some differences can never be reconciled. Some opinions are like the point of convergence of time lines; they’re meant to clash no matter what. And some people are just impossible for you to talk to no matter how you adjust your wavelength. To top it all off, some people are shallow enough to never accept your point of view, to never even regard your opinion as a potential candidate for a logical truth. But all these, depend on your ability and willingness to be tactful. And in the past eleven months, I’ve come to terms with the fact that being tactful and preserving peace are the best things to do universally.
Shitty people aside, I’ve also found quite a number of genuinely kind souls. Apparently, I still can’t escape from being given tons of nicknames, ranging from Pau to Popo Sang Chau Wong to Paulito to Mulan, though yes, you can’t really tell what’s the connection with me. And I’m just glad that our paths cross, and that I’m given some intensity of warmth in this foreign place. I do appreciate the everyday jokes and laughter as well, though I’m more of a person who prefers sincere and meaningful conversations. Long story short, they’ve mitigated my suffering here and I can’t thank them enough for that.
5. Self-development/Inner self
I normally view inner self development as crucial and essential. Thus I used to like reading philosophical topics and developing my own opinions, discovering my identity and stuff like that. But as I’ve become so engrossed in reality and refining my superficial identity, I think I’ve lost a huge part of that enthusiasm. I contemplate about myself much less as compared to the past. And I suppose, now I’m more achievement-based than meaning-based, whatever those mean.
It’s neither an unequivocal boon or bane, since contemplating often makes me depressed after all. My friend had described my brain as a maze before, but I guess it’s much simpler now. Like I’ve said, it’s both a good and bad thing. So I’ll let the natural flow determine my mind’s future, rather than imposing a reminder to be complex or simple.
Surprisingly, I think I managed to handle hardship much better last time. In the past, I would have the courage to take everything head on, and tell myself to be strong. But now I find myself breaking down more often. It’s completely illogical, since the current situation is supposed to dictate my mental fortitude to strengthen up. Somehow it’s the opposite. But still, I’m glad there’s an idiot who can’t drink water who’s still not sick of me.
My approach towards life is sometimes naive and idealistic. However, I do realize that change is inevitable. But as usual, I seem to be watching my own growth from a third person’s perspective. Perhaps the nihilist in me is still lurking somewhere in the shadows. Perhaps I don’t think of resisting change as meaningful, but that will bring us back to the meaning of life which is a whole different story to talk about.
So I suppose, that should conclude the summary of my foundation life. I wonder if I’ve made any substantial point though, it seems more like a assemblage of mindless and unorganized junk. In a few days’ time I’ll be an official young adult, I probably should start acting like one. But as usual, I’ll let time be the master of me for the moment, and things will probably fall into the right spots as long as I take on life with a sincere heart.
